Hello Readers
Though I'm not in a relationship yet, I met a new friend, a girl. I met her at a conference.Her smiles made it easier for us to interact. She is just simple and lovely and each time I looked at her I wished she was my younger sister. She is exposed, at 20 she is smart and very intelligent. When I look at her, I see the opposite of me in her maybe because of the way we were brought up. I never wanted any friend, right from my years in school I never had a bestie someone I could tell my personal problems to. I wouldn't blame myself much for this, I would blame my parent who made us believe that friends are bad and will not entertain our friends coming to the house. I didn't have a friend, I didn't have a boyfriend, infact standing close to a boy or hugging was a taboo. I remember vividly the day my Father beat up my twin sister with a cane just because she hugged a guy along the road. I wasn't free at all, so many laws and rules to abide. I also remember the day he shouted at my senior sister for applying a pink lip stick on her lips. It was like leaving in a cage. I loose confidence in myself and had a very low self-esteem. This affected my relationship with people. I wasn't allowed to go to any social gathering and wasn't also close to any extended family members. He never allowed us visit them. I became old gradually, like an old woman.
I became really depressed and wanted committing suicide, I went on Facebook, told a lady my problem so she could help me but she made it worst for me, I blocked her immediately. I won't mention her name but the scar still exists in my heart. Right from that day, I vowed never to post to anyone for advice like," please ma, hide my identity". I can't do it again! I didn't come to earth to be doing that while others are living their dreams.
I became so sullen because of the abuses I went through. I never tried looking for trouble o because I knew I had no one who will cover me up or defend me. I stay alone and to myself. I never travelled out, just spent all my life in one city. In my little shell, I wondered if life was like this; no happiness and no love. Even though he did smile most times hypocritical, his bad words, abuses still rings in my ear. Smiling with someone at the same time abusing the person. Hmmm, it feels bad!
At some point I too was affected, I imitated his behaviour. I became abusive too and was always with a straight face. His words and abuses always kept the house on fire... if you dare put a finger, you can be burnt. Life was hell and house was hell. I never had anyone to run to. During this time I hated marriage, I hated women who were staying in abusive marriage and never opted for a divorce just because the African society frowns at it. They just want to die there so they can be married women no matter the abuses they go through. My mother was one of them, so I hated her too. She never knew the emotional trauma she made us pass through. This made us angry unnecessary and feeling bad for no reason. We were depressed and at some point my siblings will go to their room and start crying for no reason. I wanted a separation but my mum didn't. I was just fade up of the whole thing family. No one to defend you, no motivation. My father never attended any of our school activities, that hurt me alot. He made up look like failures, always comparing us with other children. Hmmm maybe to him, he wanted the best for us but trust me, that was hell. I never had money, I would have run out. I had to stay so he could pay fees and just so I would have a father figure. But to me, that love was dead a long time ago.
I had no other option than to stay, this affected my relationship, my social life and turned me into an introvert. He never even sat down with us to discuss things, his discussions were everyday nagging. We just had to stay and be happy that we have a father who pays our school fees, that's all. Not fully recovered though. The pains, disappointment and broken heart still exist. I just have to move on. The pains of staying in an abusive home/marriage is much more than the good side.
Now, I want to build my confidence, gain my self esteem, go out often and live life to the fullest because Life is too short to stay in one room and cry. Life is damn too short.
In the next world, I won't want such a father and a husband? Never! Most men are daylight nightmare.
Though I'm not in a relationship yet, I met a new friend, a girl. I met her at a conference.Her smiles made it easier for us to interact. She is just simple and lovely and each time I looked at her I wished she was my younger sister. She is exposed, at 20 she is smart and very intelligent. When I look at her, I see the opposite of me in her maybe because of the way we were brought up. I never wanted any friend, right from my years in school I never had a bestie someone I could tell my personal problems to. I wouldn't blame myself much for this, I would blame my parent who made us believe that friends are bad and will not entertain our friends coming to the house. I didn't have a friend, I didn't have a boyfriend, infact standing close to a boy or hugging was a taboo. I remember vividly the day my Father beat up my twin sister with a cane just because she hugged a guy along the road. I wasn't free at all, so many laws and rules to abide. I also remember the day he shouted at my senior sister for applying a pink lip stick on her lips. It was like leaving in a cage. I loose confidence in myself and had a very low self-esteem. This affected my relationship with people. I wasn't allowed to go to any social gathering and wasn't also close to any extended family members. He never allowed us visit them. I became old gradually, like an old woman.
I became really depressed and wanted committing suicide, I went on Facebook, told a lady my problem so she could help me but she made it worst for me, I blocked her immediately. I won't mention her name but the scar still exists in my heart. Right from that day, I vowed never to post to anyone for advice like," please ma, hide my identity". I can't do it again! I didn't come to earth to be doing that while others are living their dreams.
I became so sullen because of the abuses I went through. I never tried looking for trouble o because I knew I had no one who will cover me up or defend me. I stay alone and to myself. I never travelled out, just spent all my life in one city. In my little shell, I wondered if life was like this; no happiness and no love. Even though he did smile most times hypocritical, his bad words, abuses still rings in my ear. Smiling with someone at the same time abusing the person. Hmmm, it feels bad!
At some point I too was affected, I imitated his behaviour. I became abusive too and was always with a straight face. His words and abuses always kept the house on fire... if you dare put a finger, you can be burnt. Life was hell and house was hell. I never had anyone to run to. During this time I hated marriage, I hated women who were staying in abusive marriage and never opted for a divorce just because the African society frowns at it. They just want to die there so they can be married women no matter the abuses they go through. My mother was one of them, so I hated her too. She never knew the emotional trauma she made us pass through. This made us angry unnecessary and feeling bad for no reason. We were depressed and at some point my siblings will go to their room and start crying for no reason. I wanted a separation but my mum didn't. I was just fade up of the whole thing family. No one to defend you, no motivation. My father never attended any of our school activities, that hurt me alot. He made up look like failures, always comparing us with other children. Hmmm maybe to him, he wanted the best for us but trust me, that was hell. I never had money, I would have run out. I had to stay so he could pay fees and just so I would have a father figure. But to me, that love was dead a long time ago.
I had no other option than to stay, this affected my relationship, my social life and turned me into an introvert. He never even sat down with us to discuss things, his discussions were everyday nagging. We just had to stay and be happy that we have a father who pays our school fees, that's all. Not fully recovered though. The pains, disappointment and broken heart still exist. I just have to move on. The pains of staying in an abusive home/marriage is much more than the good side.
Now, I want to build my confidence, gain my self esteem, go out often and live life to the fullest because Life is too short to stay in one room and cry. Life is damn too short.
In the next world, I won't want such a father and a husband? Never! Most men are daylight nightmare.
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